Q: How many oriental philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None... They're all so bloody en-light-ened!!!
This one, courtesy of Arnaldur, the spawning pool of hideously primitive jokes.
I have another one on a similar theme:
A Buddhist monk goes up to a hot-dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything." Har-har.
And the sequel:
The hot-dog vendor hands him the hot dog, says it costs a dollar fifty. The Buddhist hands him five dollars and the man pockets it. "Where's my change?" he asks.
The vendor looks at him and says: "You should know that change must come from within."
I'm here all week, folks.
Wow, those were some bad jokes. Don't ever do this to me again!
This one is better:
A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster."Father,that's "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your
"No, no! , no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish".
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.
The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister. The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You motherfuckers are my kind of people!"
And this one is worse:
A severly lisping duck walks into hardware store and says: "Eeeehhhh........ do ya got any grappes??"
The store owner says: "No - this is a hardware store - we do not sell grapes."
The duck says: "Awww, shucks!" and leaves.
The next day the duck comes back and says: "Eeehhh....... do ya got any grapes???"
The store owner says: "No, I told you yesterday - this is a hardware store! NO GRAPES HERE - OK?"
The duck says: "Awww, shucks!" and leaves.
The third day the duck comes back and says: "Eeehhhhhhh....... do ya...... got any... eh................ grapes....?"
The store owner says: "NO WE DO NOT HAVE ANY FUCKING GRAPES!! OK?!?! I have TOLD YOU - this is a HARDWARE STORE! And if you ask for grapes ONE MORE FUCKING TIME - I will personally nail your beak to this table with nine inch nails - OK?!?!"
The duck is really scared and runs out of the store.
The next day the duck comes back - looking very nervous.
It approaches the counter and says: "Eeeehhhh..... do ya got any nine inch nails?"
The store owner says: "Ehm, no - actually we just ran out and will get a new batch tomorrow."
The duck smiles and replies: "OK - in that case... DO YA GOT ANY GRAPES?!?!"
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